Funny Stage Quotes

Jody Cameron · Post by **Jody Cameron** » 8 Aug 2008 6:25 pm

I played a show with Johnny Bush about two weeks ago and he had a good one. He didn't get the response he wanted when talking to the crowd at one point, so he said "I think we are playing to an oil painting".

jc

Bo Borland · Post by **Bo Borland** » 8 Aug 2008 9:54 pm

This portion of the show is brought to you by Milford Fertilizer.. they try harder , cause they're #2.

Brint Hannay · Post by **Brint Hannay** » 8 Aug 2008 10:30 pm

Joe Drivdahl wrote:Great Story, C. Dixon. I wish you had a first name I could call you.

How about, "Here's the song that made Lucile Ball."

Joe

Joe, thanks for jogging my memory.

"Here's one of the songs that made Merle Haggard."

Colin Goss · Post by **Colin Goss** » 8 Aug 2008 11:30 pm

Our lead singer starts the second half along the lines:

During the break we had numerous requests.

Most of them impossible.

But we're gonna stay here and play anyway.

Then he will introduce me on the steel and say - he has eleven strings, four pedals five knee levers - he uses his hands, feet, knees - he almost uses every part of his body to play.

Everything except his head......!!

Matti Viitala · Post by **Matti Viitala** » 9 Aug 2008 2:36 am

A famous finnish guitar hero/singer/songwriter after he had a request: "Do you think i am a [beeeb] jukebox!?!!?"

basilh · Post by **basilh** » 9 Aug 2008 4:28 am

Heard at any of our gigs

Promoter or anyone :- "Where's the band"?

Baz :- "I AM the band"

Frank Freniere · Post by **Frank Freniere** » 9 Aug 2008 7:57 am

"We seem to get a request for this one every time we play. Boys, does anyone know 'Get The Hell Off The Stage?'"

Wayne Franco · Post by **Wayne Franco** » 9 Aug 2008 11:58 am

Band to audiance. "If you want to hear us during to week, we're playing down the street at the Chevron Station, inside the mens room. Come early for a good seat. Just mention our bass players name and we'll keep a seat warm for ya"

Wayne Franco · Post by **Wayne Franco** » 9 Aug 2008 12:02 pm

Our bass player use to be a door to door salesman. He sold Fuller Brushes and Schick Razors. He'd knock on the door and say "Hi, I'm your Fuller Schick man. In fact he had a razor that was so sharp it would shave an egg. It's called a Chicken Schick"

Randal Smith · Post by **Randal Smith** » 10 Aug 2008 10:02 am

"Our bass player is a man outstanding in his field. And that's where we found him; out standing in the middle of a field."

"I'd like to take a moment to introduce the band." Turn to the bass player and introduce him to the drummer, introduce the keyboard player to the bass player, etc. Make comments loud enough for the audience to hear: "Mike, this is Tom." "Oh, you two already know each other. Have you ever worked together before?" Etc. This actually happens in Nashville.

"No evening would be complete without a song from Garth Brooks, so we'll just consider this evening incomplete."

"Here's an old Japanese song called Tu-ning."

"We've been asked to sing 'Far, Far Away'."

"I don't do drugs. I tried snortin' coke one time and almost drowned myself."

"We're having a meeting of Alcoholics Unanimous up at the bar. Come on over and buy the next round."

"Everybody kiss your partner." Pause. "Now everybody kiss someone else's partner."

"It's so quiet in here I can hear my pay drop."

"It's so quiet in here I can hear the zippers in the parking lot." This one was a Bossier City favorite.

"Drive careful. The life you save may owe me money."

"If you can't be good, be good at it."

Joey Ace · Post by **Joey Ace** » 10 Aug 2008 10:57 am

"Our bass player is so fat, he tried taking speed.
It just made him eat faster."

My Steel Guitar playing has been compared to Buddy Emmons. The other night someone said, "Compared to Buddy Emmons you suck!"

One liners for an unresponsive crowd:

"Did EF Hutton just say something?"

"You folks better start dancing, before the cops come in and draw chalk outlines around y'all."

"Special Offer! No charge to use the dance floor for the next song"

Roger Edgington · Post by **Roger Edgington** » 11 Aug 2008 7:22 am

We used to have notes taken to the leader that says somthing like" Please play happy birthday for Phil McCrak" He's pretty careful now before he reads anything on stage. We keep changing it up.

Walter Killam · Post by **Walter Killam** » 12 Aug 2008 8:07 am

One of my favorites at the end of the night is:

"Y'all Drive fast, there are drunks out there!"

Clyde Mattocks · Post by **Clyde Mattocks** » 12 Aug 2008 9:16 am

After a rousing fiddle tune: "It's amazing what a person can do with a small instrument with just four strings. If fact, just last night a guy told him what he could do with that one !"

chris ivey · Post by **chris ivey** » 12 Aug 2008 9:27 am

joey..love the emmons comparison! can i use it??

Jon Logan · Post by **Jon Logan** » 12 Aug 2008 12:07 pm

Here's one we're gonna play 'till we get it right !

Dave Harmonson · Post by **Dave Harmonson** » 14 Aug 2008 2:44 pm

We have to tell you people the truth now. It's not really us up here singin and pickin, but the real band was too ugly to put on stage so all of us handsome hunks were hired to lip sinc and pretend to play.

Jon Irsik · Post by **Jon Irsik** » 14 Aug 2008 5:49 pm

After the first song after a break:

"Let me give you a word of advice.....don't buy the gum from the machine in the bathroom, it tastes like rubber."

Danny Bates · Post by **Danny Bates** » 15 Aug 2008 1:25 am

Here's a crass one...

We'd like to make an announcement just to the guys in the audience.

Fellas, please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinals... We've had some complaints.

It makes them too hard to light!

Jim Peter · Post by **Jim Peter** » 15 Aug 2008 9:24 am

Opening the show

Hello,
We're here to entertain you,
you're here to be entertained.
If you get done before us feel free to leave.

Dennis Lee · Post by **Dennis Lee** » 15 Aug 2008 10:39 am

A drummer/front man that I played in a band with for several years used to crack me up. Here are a couple of his golden quips:

"Now here's a song for you to get out on the dance floor and get something straight between you!"

"Let's see everyone on the floor dance cheek-to-cheek. Then turn around and face each another!"

Of course one time we asked if there was a request, and some guy yelled out from the crowd, "Yeah, why don't you play something you know!"

Bill Moran · Post by **Bill Moran** » 15 Aug 2008 4:00 pm

I like the one our Radio DJ / Singer uses, from time to time.
ALL YOU PEOPLE THAT CAME TO SEE JIMMY SWAGERT, WELL
HE'S NOT GOING TO BE HERE TONIGHT !!

Chip Fossa · Post by **Chip Fossa** » 15 Aug 2008 4:19 pm

We'd like to do a song for ya now.

For those of you who know it, it's called, "My Window Faces The South".

For those of you who don't know it, it's still called,
"My Window Faces The South".

Mike Cass · Post by **Mike Cass** » 16 Aug 2008 8:36 am

On a USO tour to Alaska w/Holly Dunn...the all-male base rotates off the remote island in groups of 20 every 6 months for 2 weeks vacation.....its been 5 months since the last rotation... having been given that info just before walking out onstage, Holly sings her first song and finishes to rousing applause, then, the gaff....Holly: "hi y'all!! I hear y'all have only 1 month left till vacation??..."
Audience: "cheers and more applause.."
Holly: " wow, 6 months is a long time for a bunch of guys to be way out here with no women...I bet ya' cant wait to get off?"...meaning off of the island, of course. The place erupted and the more lil' miss red-face tried to dig her way out, the deeper the hole got.
easily one of the best Ive experienced

James Cann · Post by **James Cann** » 16 Aug 2008 10:11 am

Saw this one on a previous thread and still my favorite:

(said of a drummer) "Drums? I thought he was building a birdhouse back there."

The Steel Guitar Forum

Funny Stage Quotes

Bandstand comments

Here's an old one

Introducin the band

end of the night

Funnies!