Funny Stage Quotes

[Ken Lang]

To the audience=-"The dancing girls are upstairs shaving their legs."

To a hefty female dancer-"I never saw something that big without a motor pushing it."

[Steve Wilson]

A friend of mine that used to pick mandolin in a bluegrass band that played the area bar circuits would annouce this before their break...

We are going to take a little break and let the crowd build back up.

[Rick Hulett]

Folks, we're gonna take a fifteen minute break and we'll be back in about half an hour.

And the crowd goes mild!

[Brint Hannay]

Thank you for that heartwarming smattering of applause!

Well, folks, sorry we started a little late, but we'll make up for it by stopping early.

[Chuck Thompson]

"applause to a musician is like steak to a hungry man, thanks for the hot dog!"

[Charlie McDonald]

Drummer to chick singer: "Do you want me to kick this off a little too fast, or a little too slow?"

Humor was never this good.

[Bill Myrick]

Here's a little song entitled ; "When you're dancin with your honey and her nose's a little runny---you may think it's kinda funny but it snot." -

[Danny Bates]

When a couple is getting real hot and heavy on the dance floor say "Hey you two, knock it off! no simulated sex in the dance floor!... The real thing or nothing at all!

Or how about this one... Remember ladies... Motel spelled backwards is "Let 'em"

If a girl is wearing a revealing low cut top, you can say.. "That's a nice top you're almost wearing"

[Steve Alcott]

After a blazing rendition of "Cherokee" complete with Clifford brown ending: "Let's see ya do that with a &*@$)^ computer!".

[Larry Hamilton]

Walk up to a musician and say. "ya don't play too good but ya got good tone." It's a good ice breaker if it don't get you beat up first. Used it a bunch of times with no bodily harm over the years.

Something I heard that I thought was funny, though the drummer didn't. The old school band leader turned around to the drummer after a couple songs and said, "Son, if I knowed you played that bad I'd of never brought ya."

[Mike Archer]

the other night I looked at our drummer and said

you know how you can tell a drummer is knocking on your door?

he said how?

I told him the knock speeds up and slows down!!

[Joe Drivdahl]

"Here's a song that'll make you want to get up and dance cheek to cheek... Or if you'd rather, you can turn aound and face each other."

-- Some band I heard many years ago.

Oh and there was a lead man once who when people would come in the club would say, "Hey, their walking in us for a change."

Joe

[C Dixon]

About 40 years ago in Miami municipal auditorium, Buck Owens was on top of the charts.

As he came out after the band had warmed up that humongous audience, he began to introduce his band:

1. And this Ladies and Gentlemen is Mr Doyle Holley, one of the finest bass men in the business. (Large applause)

2. And sitting back there on the drums is Mr Willy Cantou who plays drums like I want to hear them. LOUD and swift!! (Large applause)

Then he paused and smiled and walked slowly and said......

3. And this tall good lookin chap to my left is my right arm. Ladies and Gentleman.............NONE other than the greatest back up singer and fiddler and guitar picker in the world..................

MR DON RICH!!!! (The applause could be heard a mile away I do believe. IN a word, they went berserk.)

4. As the applause began to die way down, Buck, slowly walked over to Tom Brumley, and then he said to the audience:

"Folks, you have heard of people who don't know nuthun?"....................................






Then he paused as the crowd got dead quiet..

Buck then exclaimed loudly.........






"Well this un don' even SUSPECT nuthun!!!!!!"

Where by the crowd went even wilder and they went even more berserk. Buck had them eating out of his hands by that time and he had not sung a single note yet. What an incredible musician and crowd pleaser!

Later he made it up to Tom in NO uncertain terms and lamented to the audience about how much he loved him and his playing.

And without saying another word he.......

began in acapello.

"TOGETHER AGAIN!..................."

And when Tom began to play I lost it. As did the audience. It was one of the greatest musical moments in my life. I met Tom formally that night. And the second greatest musical moment in my life was when I introduced him at the Atlanta "Steel Guitar Extravaganza" in 1997.

And the 3rd greatest was when Tom invited me to his home in Branson, Mo, and asked me to try out his brand new Anapeg PSG. I could hardly stand it. And the ONLY thing I knew to do was to play that break.

All I played was what he did on the break. And then these words came out of his mouth.

"CARL! you play that better than I do!"

He was just being kind of course. But who can not lose it when someone you hold in the highest of esteem says that to you?

Praise Jesus for all of those incredible musicians and may He richly bless ALL of you,

carl

[Don Drummer]

My fav, "Y'all jump up and never come down" Lester "road hog" Moran.

[Gabriel Stutz]

Another I like is "Look, they're giving us a walking ovation!", "Come see our band tonight, plenty of parking once the music starts.", and when the applause is minimal, "Thank you, sir."

GPS

[Brint Hannay]

I like on the Buck Owens Live in Japan album where Don muffs a note in his solo and Buck says "Take your gloves off, Don!"

[Tony Smart]

Singer to lead player " If things don't liven up here soon, we'll have to let the goats out....."

[Dave Harmonson]

Tommy's gonna play some fiddle now. Don't worry he'll be done soon.

Wow, we've got 'em eating out of their hands.

We played that one like we never played before.

That song was so sad there wasn't a dry seat in the house.

This one coming up would bring tears to a glass eye.

Got a new one here. "I married a moonshiner's daughter and her daddy made me liqour."

Pushing the tip jar: We're raising money to get drunk on and don't worry none of this money will be wasted.

[Jim Simon]

Drummer was not feeling well one night. I turned around between songs and asked, "How you feelin' Bobby?" He replied, "Awfull. My nose is runnin' faster than I can lick it."

This next song is from our first album which will come out on the Miracle label.

Following rousing ovation by one gal who requested the song bass player says "Thanks for the clap."

[Matti Viitala]

"Feel free to ask any song you like to hear and we'll play any song we like to play"

[Joe Drivdahl]

Great Story, C. Dixon. I wish you had a first name I could call you.

How about, "Here's the song that made Lucile Ball."

Joe

[b0b]

Jack may remember the time we played a hot afternoon gig at the river where a lot of the gals were in bikinis, and then we went and played a club gig that night. One of the gals showed up at the club and Jack said, "Oh, it's you! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!"



"It was a pressure playing for you all tonight. We really endured it."

[Rick Barnhart]

And then these words came out of his mouth.

"C. Dixon you play that better than I do!"

[Danny Bates]

In the early 70's the musician's union had a monthly newspaper that went to all of the members. In the back they had a classified section where a guy was selling "one-liners for the stage". I finally broke down and bought it. I still remember some of the jokes...

Did you hear Barbara Streisand got an operation on her nose? It was getting so she could hardly sing through it!

I asked a kid today what he thought about the new sex education... He said it leaves a lot to be desired.

I went to the movies the other day and I couldn't believe all the violence, sex and perversion... And that was just in the lobby!

[Charles Davidson]

Used to work with a singer,if the crowd was just sitting there,with no responce to what we were doing,he would stop in the middle of a song and say real loud,THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I EVER SAW DEAD PEOPLE SMOKE.But he was a nut anyway,He was a George Jones freak,sometimes he would pull out some old B side of a Jones record that no one had every heard,He would say get in G boys and follow me,of course we would butcher it big time,Then he would turn and say Ain't you boys ever that *&^% *&^ song,in unison we would yell HELL NO.DYKBC.