St. George, Utah
Posted 23 Aug 2000 12:19 pm
|Things you should know before coming south.
Warnings issued by the STB That's Southern Tourism Bureau to all you visiting Yankees
1) Don't order steak at the Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24
hours a day, so let them cook something they know.
2) Don't laugh at southern folks names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther, Ray,Tammy Ann,Ruthann, Maribeth, Inez, etc.) These people have been known to hang a man for less.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to a whuppin' (that's
whipping for you yankees.) Down south its called Coke. It don't make no difference whether it is Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke.
4) Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the
SEC. (Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc). All the others are
just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming, California and Utah.
5) Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated, and generally lot’s nicer. We have
plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Gore, Duke). We don't care if you think we're dumb because we'll whip you’re a$$.
6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut up your mouth,
spend your money, and get on out of here.
7) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended and don't
put sugar on your grits.
Don't fake a southern accent. This will insight a riot.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't
rightly give a d@mn. If you don't like it here, go on out of here.
10) We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern
games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't rightly give a
11) We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what
we're saying. All other southerners do understand what we're saying, and that's
all that matters. Now, go on home.
12) Lastly, but not least. DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how
to Bar-B-Q. This will get your seff shot. You're lucky we let you come down here in the first place, but question our Bar-B-Q .....and you’ll be goin’ home in a pine box.
[This message was edited by b0b on 23 August 2000 at 03:56 PM.]