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Post new topic AND THE WINNER IS. . . . . .Joke Contest !
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Author Topic:  AND THE WINNER IS. . . . . .Joke Contest !
Jim Cohen


From:
Philadelphia, PA
Post Posted 21 Mar 2018 9:02 am     Reply with quote

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the abbot. The abbot said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every year." . The man agreed and joined the monastery.

After the first year, the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?"

"Cold food," the man replied. The abbot made sure the meals would not be cold in the future.

Another year went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?"

"Hard bed." The abbot made sure the mattress got re-stuffed.

One more year went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?"

"I quit." said the man.

"Well," the abbot replied, "that's probably just as well; ever since you got here, you've done nothing but complain."
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Last edited by Jim Cohen on 21 Mar 2018 9:19 am; edited 1 time in total
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Brooks Montgomery


From:
Idaho, USA
Post Posted 21 Mar 2018 9:18 am     Reply with quote

another good one!!
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Jim Cohen


From:
Philadelphia, PA
Post Posted 21 Mar 2018 12:22 pm     Reply with quote

Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex with one another?

A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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Allen Hutchison


From:
Kilcoy, Qld, Australia
Post Posted 21 Mar 2018 2:04 pm     Reply with quote

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
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Jim Cohen


From:
Philadelphia, PA
Post Posted 21 Mar 2018 9:21 pm     Reply with quote

Pissed-off drummer is tired of people thinking he's not a real musician. So he goes to the music store and says, "I'll show 'em. Gimme that red trumpet and that accordion."

Sales clerk replies, "You can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay."
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Ron Anderson


From:
Keystone Colorado, USA
Post Posted 22 Mar 2018 9:24 am     Reply with quote

While having lunch at the neighborhood diner, Old Bill leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?" We went behind the Football Stadium bleachers where you leaned against the back fence and I made mad passionate love to you."
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
"Oh Old Bill, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the stadium and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and bayougbill drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, Old Bill moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, Old Bill is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Brooks Montgomery


From:
Idaho, USA
Post Posted 22 Mar 2018 11:10 am     Reply with quote

Ron's on the board!
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Don R Brown


From:
Rochester, New York, USA
Post Posted 22 Mar 2018 11:48 am     Reply with quote

A New Yorker gets an invite from a Texan he has done business with, to come down to the Texan's ranch for a weekend.

At the airport, the Texan takes his guest to his long extended Cadillac and the Yankee is impressed. "Everything is bigger in Texas, son!" replies his host.

They turn in at the ranch and the house is just huge, a brick mansion. "That's your HOUSE?" The guy gasps. "Yep, everything is bigger in Texas!"

Once inside, the Texan offers him a beer, and it arrives in a glass the size of a 5-gallon bucket. "That's ONE beer?" The New Yorker gasps. "Yep - told ya everything is bigger in Texas!"

After working on that beer a while the guy had to pee something fierce. He asked for the bathroom, and the host said "Down the hall, turn right, first door on the left".

Feeling the effect of all that beer, the Yankee instead turned left, then opened the first door on the right, and fell smack dab into the swimming pool.

Bobbing to the surface, he hollered "PLEASE - DON'T FLUSH IT!"
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Don R Brown


From:
Rochester, New York, USA
Post Posted 22 Mar 2018 1:38 pm     Reply with quote

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared and upon his arrival the woman angrily demanded, "What took you so long?"

He told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.
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Erv Niehaus


From:
Litchfield, MN, USA
Post Posted 22 Mar 2018 1:50 pm     Reply with quote

Don,
If it was up to me, you just won the contest! Laughing Laughing
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Brooks Montgomery


From:
Idaho, USA
Post Posted 22 Mar 2018 2:36 pm     Reply with quote

Don, that's a good one! It'll be interesting to see how it fares with the Owl Club judges. The Owl Club (the cultural hub of Lemhi County) is patronized by laid-off loggers, River Guides and Fishing guides, laid-off miners, reprobates and lawyers, fish and game employees, sierra clubbers, and a number of my ex-wives: So I have no idea how you will score!
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A banjo, like a pet monkey, seems like a good idea at first.
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Don R Brown


From:
Rochester, New York, USA
Post Posted 22 Mar 2018 5:11 pm     Reply with quote

Sounds like an eclectic and interesting mix, Brooks! I offer it as humor, not political endorsement of either side. But I'm sure it will offend someone regardless!

Erv, thank you for your vote!
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Bruce Repka


From:
Texas, USA
Post Posted 22 Mar 2018 7:46 pm     Reply with quote

Boudreaux and Thibideaux walking down a country road one day come upon a dead animal in the road. Boudreaux says "poor old donkey!" Thibideaux says "that ain't no donkey, Boudreaux, that's a mule."

Baptist preacher comes driving along, stops and says "hey fellas, whatcha got here?"

Boudreaux says "preacher, maybe you can settle an argument. I say this is a donkey, but Thibideaux says this is a mule. What do you say?"

Preacher says "boys, I've been a Baptist Preacher for 50 years and according to the King James dialect, that there animal is an ASS! But instead of arguing about it, let's dig a hole and bury the poor animal."

Beadreaux and Thibideaux start digging while the preacher watches for traffic. Meanwhile, Jimbob comes driving up and asks "Whatcha doing fellas- digging a foxhole?"

Beadreaux says "Not according to the preacher!"
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Brooks Montgomery


From:
Idaho, USA
Post Posted 22 Mar 2018 8:40 pm     Reply with quote

...wait for it......
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Don R Brown


From:
Rochester, New York, USA
Post Posted 23 Mar 2018 6:02 am     Reply with quote

Bruce, gotta admit that's one I had not heard!
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Jim Cohen


From:
Philadelphia, PA
Post Posted 23 Mar 2018 8:22 am     Reply with quote

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.

So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.

Then one day he gets a call; it’s Irv.

Irv! It's you! So there is an afterlife! What’s it like??’ Sid asks excitedly.

‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’

‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’

‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’
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Brooks Montgomery


From:
Idaho, USA
Post Posted 23 Mar 2018 8:41 am     Reply with quote

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. PedalSteel for sale.' "

(with apologies)
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Jim Cohen


From:
Philadelphia, PA
Post Posted 24 Mar 2018 10:00 am     Reply with quote

Guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hey, I've heard about this stuff, Viagra. Does it really work?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, many people like it."

"And can you get it over the counter?", asks the man.

"Yes, if I take two."
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Craig Stock


From:
Westfield, NJ USA
Post Posted 24 Mar 2018 10:59 am     Reply with quote

Come on Jim, you're already on the board, you need to put your old Groucho Marx avatar back up for this thread.

My jokes are beat, but I'll try again....

What the difference between a joke and a fart?

One's a shift of whit, and the other is a wift of $h!t.
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Don R Brown


From:
Rochester, New York, USA
Post Posted 24 Mar 2018 7:21 pm     Reply with quote

A very handsome young guy decided he would try to become a Playgirl centerfold. He had some pictures taken and submitted to the magazine. In a while they replied saying they liked his looks, physique and, uh, other attributes. However, they felt the contrast of his tan lines, where his swim suit had been, were too severe. They said if you even up your tan, you've got it.

So the guy went down to a deserted beach one day, and took off his suit. He then covered up all of his body with sand, except for the certain area which needed more suntan.

After a while, two very elderly women came walking slowly along. One of them glanced over, did a double-take, and burst into tears.

"Why Mabel, what in the world is the matter?" her friend asked.

The first woman pointed a shaking finger. "Martha, When I was 8, I didn't know what that was. When I was 18, I couldn't get enough of it. And now that I'm 88, it's growing wild on the beach!"
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b0b


From:
Cloverdale, Northern California
Post Posted 24 Mar 2018 7:23 pm     Reply with quote

Please! There are children present! Embarassed
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Larry Rafferty


From:
Ballston Spa, NY
Post Posted 25 Mar 2018 5:04 am     Reply with quote

An old lady limped into the doctor's office. She was wearing rubber boots and a raincoat. The doctor said,
"how may I help you?" She said, "every time I go out in the rain
I get this rash between my legs that is very painful."
He told her to get into a dressing gown and to lie up on the table.

He lifted the gown an said, "I think we can cure your problem."

He grabbed a large pair of shears, and for the next 3 minutes she heard snip-snip, snip-snip.
He told her to get down off the table and walk around the room.

She did, and immediately said, "Doc, I feel wonderful.
All the soreness is gone...What did you do?"

He said, "I cut the top 2 inches off your boots!"
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Sho-Bud S-10 3x1; Fender Lap/Floor Steel; Peavey Power Slide; Supro Lap Steel; Peavey Nashville 400;
pair of Peavey Vegas 400's; Peavey NV112; Webb 614E with matching extension cabinet; Fender Twin Reverb and 3 cats.

They laughed when I sat down to play, cause' somebody pulled my chair away...
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Brooks Montgomery


From:
Idaho, USA
Post Posted 26 Mar 2018 8:20 am     Reply with quote

One week left guys and gals. Win a St. Croix American-made fly rod or spinning rod for the best joke (as judged by Owl Club Bar Raised Eyebrow Committee).
April 1 is the deadline.
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Jim Cohen


From:
Philadelphia, PA
Post Posted 26 Mar 2018 8:30 am     Reply with quote

Ok, we're into the home stretch; better go for the gold!

A young man wished to purchase a birthday present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note:

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show my affection for you on your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love

p.s. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

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Don R Brown


From:
Rochester, New York, USA
Post Posted 26 Mar 2018 8:35 am     Reply with quote



Well, that about sews it up! Might as well give the man his prize now!
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