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Post new topic AND THE WINNER IS. . . . . .Joke Contest !
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Author Topic:  AND THE WINNER IS. . . . . .Joke Contest !
Jim Cohen


From:
Philadelphia, PA
Post Posted 9 Mar 2018 5:44 pm     Reply with quote


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Craig Stock


From:
Westfield, NJ USA
Post Posted 10 Mar 2018 2:15 pm     Reply with quote

Does anyone know the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
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Larry Welter


From:
Wisconsin, USA
Post Posted 10 Mar 2018 8:03 pm     joke Reply with quote

a married guy goes in for his yearly check up every year a week before Christmas,,,doctor completely checks him from head to foot,,,after asking patient multiple questions,,he finishes with "when was the last time you had sex?" the guy bursts out laughing and says my birthday ain,t till april,,,
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a few guitars,(Rickenbacker/gretch collection of beatles guitars),,,,BMI S10 steel ....,peavey classic 30 ,Nashville 400,,a few effect pedals,,everything except talent,,(everyone wants to go to heaven,but no one wants to die to get there,) "steven jobs"
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Bill McCloskey


Post Posted 10 Mar 2018 9:11 pm     Reply with quote

I heard this as a true story:

Back in the 90's, the internet bubble was on the rise. Over night "digital agencies" sprung up charging outrageous fees to bring companies "on to the Web". One such business owner went to a meeting where in a very hip office, some kid about 23 proceeded to tell the owner he didn't know what he was doing, and laid out a vision for him to become a portal. The business owner was getting madder as he realized this kid didn't understand his business, but every time he tried to point this out to the kid, he was humiliated, as if he, the customer, should be grateful for this kids time. The business owner stormed out.

Months later, the bubble burst. The once thriving digital agency, with free food and drinks for the employees and segway's to move from one side of the office to the other...well, they went belly up, no investor artificially propping up the market. Boom, it went bust and people lost billions.

The business owner needs batteries and heads to the local radio shack. Working behind the counter was..you guessed it...the kid.

He looked at the kid, the kid looked at him, and they both knew.

The front window of radio shack faced the parking lot. "I'm really glad I decided to drive the porsche that day." said the business owner.
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Art Beard


From:
Once upon a time out west (deceased)
Post Posted 10 Mar 2018 10:03 pm     old cowboy Reply with quote

an old cowboy was sitting in the bar listening to a new comer talk about his new ranch. New comer said: I drive two days north, then three days east and then 2 days south and 3 days west to get back home. the old cowboy said, : I had a truck like that once.
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"like an old stallion, lonely for freedom, still trying to out run the wind" Seals,Setser,& Davey.
GAS -1969 ZB D11/10,1974 Sho-Bud D10 Professional,1975 Speedy West S10, 150 yr okd Barn Board tele, Beard signature Gold Tone Dean Acoustic/Electric Bass, Tennessee 12 string Bass, 3 String Shovel.2 Fiddles., Sho-Bud amp, Epiphone valve special amp, Fishman loudbox artist amp.
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b0b


From:
Cloverdale, Northern California
Post Posted 12 Mar 2018 5:11 pm     Reply with quote

the next big thing: spam jerky
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Jim Cohen


From:
Philadelphia, PA
Post Posted 12 Mar 2018 5:13 pm     Reply with quote

So when does the contest end?
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Archie Nicol


From:
Ayrshire, Scotland
Post Posted 12 Mar 2018 6:46 pm     Reply with quote

Most days. Most things.



Arch.
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I'm well behaved, so there!
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Brooks Montgomery


From:
Idaho, USA
Post Posted 12 Mar 2018 8:26 pm     Reply with quote

Jim Cohen wrote:
So when does the contest end?

April 1 (seriously)
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A banjo, like a pet monkey, seems like a good idea at first.
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Jude Reinhardt


From:
Weaverville, NC
Post Posted 15 Mar 2018 5:38 am     Reply with quote

John is dying. However, he can smell his favorite chocolate nut brownies cooking downstairs. John summons all the strength that he has left, he flops out of bed and crawls downstairs. He sees the brownies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As John reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled old hand reaches out, smacks his hand and she yells:

'No John, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!'
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"If we live in fear of banjos, then the banjos have won".

"Man cannot live by bread alone, he must have Peanut Butter". - Kruger Bear


Last edited by Jude Reinhardt on 15 Mar 2018 12:09 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Brooks Montgomery


From:
Idaho, USA
Post Posted 15 Mar 2018 6:46 am     Reply with quote

Always loved that joke! First heard it on Prarie Home Companion.
You're on the board!
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A banjo, like a pet monkey, seems like a good idea at first.
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Erv Niehaus


From:
Litchfield, MN, USA
Post Posted 15 Mar 2018 7:39 am     Reply with quote

Craig,
I do. Rolling Eyes
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Brooks Montgomery


From:
Idaho, USA
Post Posted 16 Mar 2018 3:55 am     Reply with quote

Craig Stock wrote:
Does anyone know the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?


Its kind like the difference between an arborist and a gardener.
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A banjo, like a pet monkey, seems like a good idea at first.
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Craig Stock


From:
Westfield, NJ USA
Post Posted 16 Mar 2018 4:08 am     Reply with quote

Erv, are you willing to devulge?
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Larry Rafferty


From:
Ballston Spa, NY
Post Posted 16 Mar 2018 5:53 am     Reply with quote

While setting up my instruments for a band job, a shapely young lady wearing a mini skirt came up to me and said,
"Hi Stranger! My name is Carmen. I gave myself that name because I like cars and I like men."
She said, "What's your name?" I replied, "my name is Beersnatch."
....and yes, I gave myself that name.
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pair of Peavey Vegas 400's; Peavey NV112; Webb 614E with matching extension cabinet; Fender Twin Reverb and 3 cats.

They laughed when I sat down to play, cause' somebody pulled my chair away...
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Jim Cohen


From:
Philadelphia, PA
Post Posted 16 Mar 2018 7:23 am     Reply with quote

My name's Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me 'Bubba'. (Google it for the rest of the joke...) Wink
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Erv Niehaus


From:
Litchfield, MN, USA
Post Posted 16 Mar 2018 7:50 am     Reply with quote

Craig,
Help yourself, it's your joke! Very Happy
Erv
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Brooks Montgomery


From:
Idaho, USA
Post Posted 16 Mar 2018 8:04 am     Reply with quote

A steelguitar player finds an old brass lamp at a pawnshop and rubs it and a genie appears.
"Congratulations! I can grant you one wish!"
The steel player says, "I want to live forever."
The genie says, " I cannot grant that wish; it is against the rules"
The steel player says, "OK, then, I want to live until drummers are considered musicians"
The genie says, "Oh you crafty bastard!"
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A banjo, like a pet monkey, seems like a good idea at first.
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Sonny Jenkins


From:
New Braunfels, Tx. 78130
Post Posted 16 Mar 2018 10:34 am     Reply with quote

Scientific Breakthrough!!! Science has discovered exactly what the warm, fuzzy feeling is when a man falls in love,,,it is unquestionably ALL of his common sense leaving his body!
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Craig Stock


From:
Westfield, NJ USA
Post Posted 16 Mar 2018 2:08 pm     Reply with quote

Ok Erv, it's a bit risky, but we are all grown up here,...hopefully.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

One looks up your family tree and the other your family bush.

I'm a horticulturist, so it's up my alley Cool
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Larry Rafferty


From:
Ballston Spa, NY
Post Posted 18 Mar 2018 6:10 pm     Reply with quote

KIDS IN THE BACK SEAT OF A CAR CAN CAUSE ACCIDENTS!
ACCIDENTS IN THE BACK SEAT OF A CAR CAN CAUSE KIDS!
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Mullen D-10 8x5; Sho-Bud Super Pro D10 8x6; PedalMaster 5 Star SD-10 3x5; Dekley D-10 8x4;
Sho-Bud S-10 3x1; Fender Lap/Floor Steel; Peavey Power Slide; Supro Lap Steel; Peavey Nashville 400;
pair of Peavey Vegas 400's; Peavey NV112; Webb 614E with matching extension cabinet; Fender Twin Reverb and 3 cats.

They laughed when I sat down to play, cause' somebody pulled my chair away...
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Ron Anderson


From:
Keystone Colorado, USA
Post Posted 20 Mar 2018 11:13 am     Reply with quote

Joe walks into the group and proclaims, "Yer all now my Royale Subjects!"
With a "yer a dumbarse!" look at him, I retort, "Yer JoeKing..."
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Jim Cohen


From:
Philadelphia, PA
Post Posted 20 Mar 2018 12:17 pm     Reply with quote

Sean receives this text from his neighbor, Alex:

Hi, Sean, this is Alex from next door.

I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in a text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not at home. In fact, quite likely more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just awesome. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Greetings,
Alex


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sean, feeling so angered and betrayed, then grabbed his rifle and shot his neighbor Alex dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the couch. He then took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alex:

Hi, Sean, this is Alex from next door, again.

Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey?

Greetings,
Alex

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Jim Cohen


From:
Philadelphia, PA
Post Posted 20 Mar 2018 6:50 pm     Reply with quote

So she says, "You never listen to me when I'm talking to you." And I'm thinking, "That's a funny way to start a conversation..."
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Brooks Montgomery


From:
Idaho, USA
Post Posted 20 Mar 2018 8:57 pm     Reply with quote

Jim's on the board!
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A banjo, like a pet monkey, seems like a good idea at first.
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