Critique please. New song I wrote.....Remake.

Bill Dobkins · From: Rolla Missouri, USA

I demoed this song with BIAB My Rittenberry Steel and Casio Midi Guitar. Please critique.....
The Song is call WILL YOUR LEAVIN EVER END..There are some mistakes, like I think the lead guitar is to loud.
Thanks for listening.

http://soundcloud.com/dobkins/bd
_________________
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Positive Grid Spark amp
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Now pass the gravy.

Gary Cosden · From: Florida, USA

I like it a lot. Just my 2 cents - I generally don't to hear the words "I feel" together. I might substitute "it seems" or "but it seems". A minor point. Musically it seems pretty good all around. I can hear it honky-tonked up a bit and a bit more dramatic in terms of the overall arrangement. You really want to know what I think? I think you should be writing more songs! How can you play them if they aren't even written?
You did write this song, right?

Bill Dobkins · From: Rolla Missouri, USA

Thanks Gary, yes I wrote it. Thats why I like input, its always helpful. I was trying for a Vern Gosdin feel but It didn't work out that way. Again thanks.
_________________
Custom Rittenberry SD10
Boss Katana 100 Amp
Positive Grid Spark amp
BJS Bars
Z~Legend Pro,Custom Tele
Honor our Vet's.
Now pass the gravy.

Roger Kelly · From: Bristol,Tennessee

Bill, great job on your song.
The only suggestion I can think of would be to increase the Tempo to make it about a 2 1/2 minute song.
Maybe do your intro, and first verse and chorus then take your break, coming back in modulating up a half-step ( as in E to F )finish with your 2nd verse and/or chorus and Tag if needed.
Thanks for sharing your tune.

Billy Tonnesen · From: R.I.P., Buena Park, California

Very nice ! Back in the Day, I can hear George Jones singing your composition.

George Brown · From: Winston-Salem, NC, USA

I think its a Great song Bill. Fine Lyrics, and a Pretty tune. Your Music was Very Good, but throw a real Tight, Full Country Band behind you, and I think it would Really Come Alive...Thanks Much for sharing.
George...

Mike Dudash · From: Bridgeport, Ohio

I like it also. It has that old country sound, you know back when country was actually good. I have several ideas of my own that I hope to someday get out there. Keep up the good work!

Ron Kirby · From: Nashville TN

Try another new demo of the song. Honestly. Ron

Jerry Foster · From: Missouri, USA

Wow Bill, That is the kind of song I love playing steel too. Very Happy

it is a great tune. keep on keeping on. your picking friend Jerry F.

Bill Dobkins · From: Rolla Missouri, USA

Ron Kirby · From: Nashville TN

Try another new demo Bill, maybe with a female vocalist and send both to publishers. You never know, It could increase your chance's of getting a cut. I listened to your song three times. I like the lyrics, but publishers mostly listen just once.. If you do another demo on the tune please re-post it.

Oh, I almost forgot, No! I am not related to the Late Great Songwriter Legend Dave Kirby.

Sincerely, Ron

Bill Dobkins · From: Rolla Missouri, USA

Thanks to all who responded. Your input is very helpful. I'm limited as to what I can do. I have to do it all myself. I wish I could afford to have my demo's done by pro's but not at this time.
_________________
Custom Rittenberry SD10
Boss Katana 100 Amp
Positive Grid Spark amp
BJS Bars
Z~Legend Pro,Custom Tele
Honor our Vet's.
Now pass the gravy.

Ron Kirby · From: Nashville TN

Bill, You don't have to have a Pro-demo to send to publishers. (record producers maybe). All you need is the one you have already. If YOU believe in the song! Maybe just a simple re-mix with the vocals out front not using to much effects so the publisher can hear every word clearly. Lots of pro-writers here simply use a flattop with their vocals. Remember its all in the lyrics and melody. If a Publisher likes it enough and publishes it, He will do a full pro-demo on it to pitch to Record producers at no cost to you. So the simpler the better.. All you have to do is make copy's (with lyric sheet)and start calling publishers. If they agree to give it a listen they will issue you a code. Just write the code on your mail package. This will remind the publisher it cleared for review. If you don't they may just return it to you. Any-way Good luck to you and never take no for a answer.

Have a great Sunday!
Ron

Carl Kilmer · From: East Central, Illinois

Hi Bill, thanks for the call last night. It was nice to
chat with you again. Your song is very good, but like I
told you, l'd like to hear the vocal stand out more and
hear the steel a little better. The music and the vocals
are very good. Just need a way to mix it a little better.
Carl
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aka "Lucky Kay"--Custom built Rittenberry SD10 3X5, Walker S/S, NV-112, and Hilton Pedal

Bill Dobkins · From: Rolla Missouri, USA

Thanks for the comments. I redid the song a little now see what you think.
_________________
Custom Rittenberry SD10
Boss Katana 100 Amp
Positive Grid Spark amp
BJS Bars
Z~Legend Pro,Custom Tele
Honor our Vet's.
Now pass the gravy.

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